My Last Two Weeks Have Been Rough

Since this is my blog. I am going to let this out.
Yes, I am actually going to talk about myself.

Last week, my legs became swollen and my pain has increased exponentially. I keep trying to fool myself and everyone around that I am Ok. The truth is I am not. I just don't want to bother, stress, or upset anyone. My Multiple Sclerosis is getting worse.

I am not sure how much longer I will be walking. I can't even walk ten minutes without screaming agony. I am having trouble standing up, my legs are a lot weaker, the numbness is getting worse, I keep loosing my balance, I am having trouble getting into our van, my legs shake, and I am having trouble moving them.

Today, my friend Danielle and I took the kids to a little girls party and after two hours I needed to go home. I took a pain pill when we got home and slept for 5 hours. What is sad is that I took a pain pill before we left. I used anything I could lean on to hold me up. Smiled my smiles, chatted, and acted happy. When all I wanted to do was collapse. I was praying the whole time I wouldn't make a fool of myself.

The only one that really knows how bad I feel is Ryan. He reads me very well. He can look at me and know when I am toughing it out. He will find me a seat and finish up what we were doing without me even asking. He will then rush me home and help me to the couch. I may be smiling but he sees the white ring around my mouth and know I am actually in severe pain.

Friday, I actually called my Primary Dr. and scheduled an Appt. to see about getting a scooter. I finally realized that my walking days are nearing an end.

Ryan told me Friday that he is very worried about me. He talked with our friend Jimmy about the fact that he just doesn't know where our life is taking us. Ryan told Jimmy that he does not know why he was chosen to have a wife and children with disabilities. Ryan told me that he loves me and is in it for the long run but it is hard to see my go through this.

Ryan wasn't sure about going camping next weekend with the kids. I told him that this will probably be the only summer with the kids that I will be able to go camping with them. So we have to go. I want them to remember this. I need them to remember this.

Thanks everyone, I just needed to get this out.