That I may not live to see my children grow up.....

(I am sad tonight so please forgive my pity party!)

I knew when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis that I may not be around forever. But with the advances in medicine, I leaned on the hope of a cure or at least the slowing of this diseases progress. I started Betaseron shots every other day, I took better care of myself, I watched even more of what I was eating, I ate mostly organic foods, and I took vitamins. My MS has progressed more than I would have liked. It is unbelieveable how much of the body can be affected by this disease. Though, all in all, I have adapted and accepted every change pretty well.

Three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Diabetes, for some reason this diagnosis was harder to bear. I am still trying to learn how to deal with it. I hate the finger pricks, counting carbs, and the added medication. what's worse to me, is the horrible way I feel when my sugars are out of whack. I know diabetes unmonitored is deadly, so I do everything I am supposed too. I do it all so that I can be around to see my children grow up.

Today, I went to the Dr. for a diabetes check and to see what my blood tests revealed.

The blood tests were to see:

1. How long I have had diabetes....probably about a year.

2. If my kidney's have been affected.....thankfully No.

3. If my liver was healthy enough to go on a second more effective

Diabetes Medication....the anwser is....NO!!!

To the shock and dismay of everyone in the room.......I am in the early stages of Liver Failure.

Since I don't drink, do drugs, don't have Hepititas, and haven't had diabetes long enough to cause this, the Dr. is going to have to run a bunch of tests to find out why. I am also going to have another specialist added to my list. He seemed extremely puzzled/worried. I can live with MS, I can live with managed Diabetes, I cannot live without a liver. I won't even qualify for a transplant because of my other pre-existing diseases/disorders. The doctor made it pretty clear that we need to find out what is causing my liver failure ASAP because my liver enzymes were at a pretty high. At this point we can do nothing until we find out what is causing this. Ryan and I feel so helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

I did find out that my Cholestrol was in excellent shape. I am at no risk for heart disease. I joked with Ryan, "That if I died, at least I could donate my heart!" Ryan did not find this funny at all.

I can't figure out what is going on. All I want to do is live to see my children grow up. I am in no way giving up on that dream, but another thought keeps creeping into my head. What if God has other plans!!! What if I don't agree with those plans? Does it make me a bad person. Our family has gone through so much. It wouldn't be fair to them or me, if I was gone. Why, why, why???? I just want to live to see my children grow up!!!!